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September 12, 2013

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I went to the gym. It was an experience! I was scared when I got there. Here I am all vulnerable and frightened of what is about to happen and who might see me. I got to meet with a trainer for a free session. I swear I really wish I had money! She was awesome and I would love to have her working with me all the time! She made me feel so comfortable. She understood me and my fears. She understood what I was dealing with and how it wasn’t easy. I was blown away by her kindness. And I was not the fattest person in the gym! I know that sounds so bad. But I was really scared I was going to be. And I might be the next time I go, but at least I wasn’t today! That was something! It made me feel like I could go back! Does that make sense? 

Jenna, the trainer, was amazing! She was just so sweet and understanding. She pushed me without being pushy. She was able to show me where some problems were and told me how to work on them. Like I have a bad shoulder and she told me how to do some of the moves a little better so they’re not pulling so hard on my shoulder but yet strengthening it. I have had this tear for 5 years. It was a violent attack and yet workman’s comp wouldn’t help me. It was a joke. An autistic client beat the living hell out of me and yet somehow that was just part of the job. I’m sorry but I am really pissed with the state of NC and their labor laws. They’re ridiculous. But anyway, she showed me that. Then I have a bum ankle where I have torn the hell out of it from sprains over the years. The last doctor to examine it told me that I had basically torn every tendon and ligament in my left ankle and that I would need to be careful. I am very careful with that ankle. The last time I sprained it, I thought I was going to die. Because of the ankle, I have overcompensated with my right leg and the extra weight and the overcompensation has my right knee hurting. So I need to work on my balancing. I did that and know what? My freaking feet hurt! Who knew you actually exercised your feet? I didn’t. I mean, I guess I just never thought about it. But yeah, I exercised my feet! I’m chuckling as I type that. I got home and my toes hurt. LOL

After the training session, Jenna handed me off to someone else and they told me about how much it costs to get personal training. Ummm…this is why I wish I was rich. I can’t afford it! But Jenna was so sweet that she gave me her cell number and told me to text her with any questions. She’d still help me. I thought that was sweet. I mean, how many people are willing to do something like that. I think she saw my heart as we talked because I want this so badly. Her kindness touched my heart. 

So I actually had a pleasant experience at the gym. Can you believe it? I couldn’t. I will return. I liked it. I can’t believe I am finally ready to move forward and live my life. It’s such a scary prospect. Living again? Hmmmm…what is that? What does it mean? How will I do it? Will I eventually get my self-esteem back? Will I find more friends? Will I find love? What will happen? I’m scared. I’m excited. I’m impatient!


About Amy

Recently I came to an ugly realization–I am middle aged. I didn’t really think so but then I doubled my age and thought, “Hmmmm…some of people don’t live to that age. I must be middle age.” This epiphany came in the third quarter of my 39th year. So I am surviving middle age…it’s scary.

2 responses »

  1. I’m so proud of you for taking this step…I totally get it when you say you were relieved to notice that you weren’t the fattest person there.


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