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Monthly Archives: September 2013

September 12, 2013

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I went to the gym. It was an experience! I was scared when I got there. Here I am all vulnerable and frightened of what is about to happen and who might see me. I got to meet with a trainer for a free session. I swear I really wish I had money! She was awesome and I would love to have her working with me all the time! She made me feel so comfortable. She understood me and my fears. She understood what I was dealing with and how it wasn’t easy. I was blown away by her kindness. And I was not the fattest person in the gym! I know that sounds so bad. But I was really scared I was going to be. And I might be the next time I go, but at least I wasn’t today! That was something! It made me feel like I could go back! Does that make sense? 

Jenna, the trainer, was amazing! She was just so sweet and understanding. She pushed me without being pushy. She was able to show me where some problems were and told me how to work on them. Like I have a bad shoulder and she told me how to do some of the moves a little better so they’re not pulling so hard on my shoulder but yet strengthening it. I have had this tear for 5 years. It was a violent attack and yet workman’s comp wouldn’t help me. It was a joke. An autistic client beat the living hell out of me and yet somehow that was just part of the job. I’m sorry but I am really pissed with the state of NC and their labor laws. They’re ridiculous. But anyway, she showed me that. Then I have a bum ankle where I have torn the hell out of it from sprains over the years. The last doctor to examine it told me that I had basically torn every tendon and ligament in my left ankle and that I would need to be careful. I am very careful with that ankle. The last time I sprained it, I thought I was going to die. Because of the ankle, I have overcompensated with my right leg and the extra weight and the overcompensation has my right knee hurting. So I need to work on my balancing. I did that and know what? My freaking feet hurt! Who knew you actually exercised your feet? I didn’t. I mean, I guess I just never thought about it. But yeah, I exercised my feet! I’m chuckling as I type that. I got home and my toes hurt. LOL

After the training session, Jenna handed me off to someone else and they told me about how much it costs to get personal training. Ummm…this is why I wish I was rich. I can’t afford it! But Jenna was so sweet that she gave me her cell number and told me to text her with any questions. She’d still help me. I thought that was sweet. I mean, how many people are willing to do something like that. I think she saw my heart as we talked because I want this so badly. Her kindness touched my heart. 

So I actually had a pleasant experience at the gym. Can you believe it? I couldn’t. I will return. I liked it. I can’t believe I am finally ready to move forward and live my life. It’s such a scary prospect. Living again? Hmmmm…what is that? What does it mean? How will I do it? Will I eventually get my self-esteem back? Will I find more friends? Will I find love? What will happen? I’m scared. I’m excited. I’m impatient!


September 11, 2013

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Today is a day of memory. I was reminded that it has been 12 years since that terrible time. So sad. I just wanted to acknowledge that because that is the most important thing I can say here other than I am proud to be an American.

Second, I have missed my blog. I have been working very hard and haven’t been here like I wanted. I have been working my regular job as well as Juice Plus. Juice Plus has helped me eat better and kinda stay on the right track. But I will admit I have fallen off the wagon a few times. It is so easy. I learned something, though! I learned to quit letting myself get to the starving state because when it happens, I want fatty, junky fast-food! And then I eat LOTS of it! Then I feel miserable afterwards. I mean like really bad. Heavy and weighed down. It’s amazing. I mean, yeah, it makes sense. But it is so crazy how bloated and full I can feel. I mean, I feel like I am going to explode. So I need to eat more often and smaller portions or add another shake in. I let myself get to that level where I lose control. I don’t like being out of control.

So I hope that is a lesson to all! Don’t let yourself get to a level where you lose control! It makes you go nuts and then you feel bad! Not a pleasant feeling at all! Another thing is I think I swell when I eat fast food. Must be full of msg or salt!