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May 23, 2013

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I’m really pissed off at some people right now and situations that I can’t do anything about. I mean REALLY pissed off. Usually this leads to heavy duty eating. Not this time, though. I don’t like how I’m dealing with it now, but it beats an additional five lbs on my ass because Ben & Jerry’s was my therapist of choice. Right now I have the scenario playing on a loop in my head. It’s like a record and the needle is stuck. And I’m pissed off. The only good thing I did for myself besides eating right was I was bitchy to one of the people who deserved it. I wasn’t overtly hateful. I just didn’t speak. That is rare for me. I think my point was made. If not, I’ll make it again tomorrow.

Part of my problem with food is I’ve allowed myself to turn to food when I didn’t want to deal with unpleasant feelings. Know what? All it did was make me fat amd get me used. I’m tired of living like that! I deserve better!!!! I deserve respect. And if some people won’t give it then they won’t get it in return.

All my life I was told I needed to please. I was NEVER told I should be pleased. I don’t want to act like this is all my mother’s fault, but she constantly ingrained in me that I was supposed to give and more times than not give in. It didn’t matter that I was hurting or felt alone; I needed to make peace.

Peace is good but not when there is a war within yourself. And the only way to smother the fires is to eat. And then after a while that is the only way you feel like you’ve truly been hugged.

So even though I’m pissed off, I’m also proud of myself. I didn’t let myself fall into pattern of eating myself into oblivion. I didn’t have an all out emotional outburst. I somewhat controlled it and ate well. I purposefully pissed someone else off who deserved it. And I’m ok. (For now.)

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About Amy

Recently I came to an ugly realization–I am middle aged. I didn’t really think so but then I doubled my age and thought, “Hmmmm…some of people don’t live to that age. I must be middle age.” This epiphany came in the third quarter of my 39th year. So I am surviving middle age…it’s scary.

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