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May 19, 2013

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I miss me. Sounds odd, huh? I used to laugh. I used to like being around people more. I don’t do that often now. There are many reasons. Work is a big part of it. 3rd shift wrecks your schedule. I talk to people all the time and have to be nice for the majority of my waking hours even when I don’t want to. So many times I just want to come home and be me. And a lot of those times I do want to be me alone. I need the quiet and solitude of home because I have heard voices for HOURS ON END. My head is filled with junk. I don’t want to hear people talking to me. I can chat online just fine. I just don’t want to hear the words all the time. Maybe that doesn’t make sense but it is the action of listening after so long that can set my teeth on edge. I want to interact, but without the talking part. Damn! I sound like a freak! I guess if I had pleasant interactions the majority of the time I wouldn’t sound that way, but…

So I come home and hole up. I don’t like to go out much. I just want to decompress at home. Plus I don’t have much money to go anywhere. And then there is the fact that my off days are not the normal off days for the rest of the world so when I am off, they are working. Also, my sleeping hours and waking hours are much different as well. It just kinda screws things up.

But then there is the weight issue. I think that I have become so self-conscious of how I look that I don’t want to go out and be seen. I don’t think that is uncommon with people who are obese. Some obese people just don’t care and do whatever, whenever. Others internalize everything and feel so negative. They feel embarrassed and ashamed and just want to hide from the world. So they do as much as possible. It is a lot easier to run home than it is to go in public and have people look at you like you’re a freak show. “Oh my Gawd! Did you see how fat she is?!” I still have ears. I still have eyes. I still have feelings. There are times I want to turn around and ask, “Oh my Gawd! Do you know what an inconsiderate bitch you are?! Do you think I don’t realize how much I weigh? I am not stupid. I am working on it. So back off, Stick Lady, or I’m going to show you what this weight can do!”

But most of us who are at this point, just walk off and go home and internalize some more and self-medicate. Usually my medication for those feelings is some Ben & Jerry’s. Fast acting! Great taste! What more could you ask for in medication? Oh yeah, it would be nice if the calories weren’t 50 bazillion! But who cares at that point, right? You’ll care later when you are thinking clearer. Then you’ll be upset that you let yourself fall prey to that Stick Lady vulture. Then you might need to self-medicate some more because you feel like shit again. It’s a cycle. A very bad cycle indeed.

So I was thinking about all of this. (Obviously!) It bothers me that I feel this way. I know not everyone looks at me and feels this way. Some of it is me projecting how I feel onto others. I feel they must feel this way about me since I do about myself. And, yes, I have been met with these reactions before. But I don’t like living like this. I want to kinda like people a little more than I do. I used to like people. I used to laugh. I used to do things. I used to interact with real people. I don’t like limiting my life.

I was talking to my friend about this today. She was really encouraging. It was a true heart to heart. Who really tells the people in their lives this stuff? Usually I keep this shit to myself. I bring it here from time to time. But ya know, I surely can’t be the only one who feels this way.

I am slowly working on my goals. I have done things around the house today, which has me tired and achy. I suppose that is good in some sadistic way. I downloaded an app for my phone called “Lose It!” which allows me to calorie count and exercise count calories MUCH EASIER! I just punch that crap in! I can also add in foods that aren’t in there. I have started using my smoothies to help forego my cravings and fill me up. They’re helping. I’m being honest a little more, which is hard. I am only doing that with a few close friends and then here. Y’all understand or at least empathize.

I am NOT asking for pity or sympathy. I got here on my own. I have to get out of this mess somehow, but I now believe I don’t have to do that part on my own. That is part of the reason for this blog. I think I am not the only person who has gotten to this level. If you are like me, I send you hugs and encouragement. Many people don’t get it. I do. It ain’t easy overcoming something that has overtaken your life. And some people think you can just make simple changes. If only it were that easy! Food addiction is not like alcohol addiction. I can abstain from alcohol. I cannot abstain from food.

Thanks for reading my ramblings. Much love.

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About Amy

Recently I came to an ugly realization–I am middle aged. I didn’t really think so but then I doubled my age and thought, “Hmmmm…some of people don’t live to that age. I must be middle age.” This epiphany came in the third quarter of my 39th year. So I am surviving middle age…it’s scary.

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