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April 2, 2013

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I have been thinking and thinking and have really come to some very good conclusions. I know why I have been fighting myself on weight loss. My heart was sabotaging me. My brain says all these great things but my heart has been in control. Why? It’s afraid of moving forward in life. Have you ever felt that way? What am I afraid of? Everything! Absolutely everything!

I am afraid of moving forward in life. What if I move forward and no one loves me? What if I stay stuck and no one loves me? I finally thought about it and realized I don’t love how I feel and I am not giving anyone anything TO love. Yes, I am a wonderful person, but if I don’t feel good with who I am and how I look then how can someone else?!?! It isn’t their fault. It is mine! I did this and am doing nothing to fix it!

I also realized in all of these ponderings that I cannot change everything in one fell swoop. That is just asking for failure. What can I do? I can start making a few changes here and there that will hopefully become good habits. So like what?! I need to quit eating and then going to sleep. Working 3rd shift is hard and when I come home I am hungry and tired. I need something but I eat too much and then I fall asleep. No stopping for fast food on the way home, eating and going to bed. Gotta stop that. I could have a yogurt and fruit. It’s not as bad as a big ol’ breakfast. Or I could drink a Slim Fast in order to fill me up before sleeping so that I am having something and then getting some rest.

I can also care more in general. I got a hair cut today for the first time in ages. I noticed how gray my hair was. I also got some hair color at the drug store and plan to color my hair before work tonight. It is something.

Sooo…these are my thoughts today.



About Amy

Recently I came to an ugly realization–I am middle aged. I didn’t really think so but then I doubled my age and thought, “Hmmmm…some of people don’t live to that age. I must be middle age.” This epiphany came in the third quarter of my 39th year. So I am surviving middle age…it’s scary.

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