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Honest

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I think most of us have a distorted view of how we look or we just don’t think about it at all. I tend to not think about it. It is a disturbing thought to me so I block it. That is until the day after my birthday. That is when reality hit me hard. It hit me right between the eyes and it hurt like hell. I know what my face looks like. I brush my teeth while looking in the mirror. But the rest of my body? To someone else? No. I didn’t know what that looked like. I really didn’t. You can sit there and say, “How could she not know?! She lives in that body!” Yes, I do. But I don’t sit and gaze at myself. My body is like a car. It is a mode of transportation to get the rest of me from Point A to Point B. I should take care of it better and I have been neglecting it. It is QUITE obvious. I saw those pictures and wanted to cry. My friends were like, “Let’s post them on Facebook!” and I refused. I couldn’t. There is no way. I just can’t. I sat there at home staring at those pictures and just felt my heart break. I knew things were bad, but I was hit with how bad in that very moment. I don’t know if anyone understands what I am saying. It’s hard to express. I vowed that things would get better. That there would be changes. I have done that before, too, though. I have prayed to God for help controlling this, to control me! I can’t stop writing here. I can’t stop watching what I eat. I can’t stop tracking it. I can’t. Because I don’t want to look like this. I don’t want to FEEL like this. I am so much better than the way I am forcing myself to live. Like those pictures, I sometimes just hide in shame. I shouldn’t live that way. In fact, that isn’t living. But that is what I have done to myself. Now I have to do something else to and for myself. Why am I saying all of this? Because I felt like I had to be open about it. How many others have felt this way and didn’t say it? I know I am not the only one. Surely to God I can’t be. So, yes, I have posted a lot of positive stuff here before. I know that. But here is the absolute truth about what I went through the other day. It’s my truth. I posted recently about how I need support. This is why. I didn’t tell anybody why because I was still processing it. I was still reeling from the shock of what I had seen. But I want so much more and better for my life.

I guess I needed to just be honest and lay it out there.

 

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About Amy

Recently I came to an ugly realization–I am middle aged. I didn’t really think so but then I doubled my age and thought, “Hmmmm…some of people don’t live to that age. I must be middle age.” This epiphany came in the third quarter of my 39th year. So I am surviving middle age…it’s scary.

9 responses »

  1. You sound so much like me…when I see pictures of myself, I’m always shocked at how big I am…I just don’t look at myself other than my face when I’m putting on make up or brushing my hair…it’s easier to block it out than try to deal with it. And it seems to be easier to hide than to embrace life fully…girl, we have simply got to put an end to the hiding and shame and get out there and live life…let’s do it!

    Reply
    • Exactly. I am tired of letting life’s hurts force me retreat and console with food. I want to live and love and laugh. I am better than I have been living. I deserve more. You deserve more. We are smart, good women. This is OUR freaking year! I’m over this shit. I hope you are, too. I’m so glad we found each other last year. 🙂 Thanks for caring!

      Reply
  2. Aww…I’m glad we managed to find one another too! Isn’t it strange (or maybe not) how we learn to comfort and console ourselves with food? And, for me at least, it gets to the place where that’s often the only comfort I get…and that’s my own fault. How can you expect others to offer you what you need if you’re hiding behind closed doors? Aargh! Why does life have to be so hard?

    Reply
    • I know. I totally agree. But for me, this is a totally learned response to what I need. I hate that I had to learn it but it filled a need literally. Most of us did. That is why we have to fight so hard to do something different.

      Reply
  3. Exactly the same for me…the only way I could get comfort was through food (okay, make that the only way I knew when I was 4 or 5 years old) and then it bacame ingrained…hard to break those kinds of habits, especially when you begin to try to overcome that kind of behavior and it actually makes you feel worse because you don’t really know any other way to comfort yourself, so then you’re just out there feeling all of those, you know, emotions! I had a therapist explain it by saying it was actually a very smart thing for a vulnerable little girl to do when there was nowhere else to turn…at first I scoffed, but now I understand what she meant. We can do this, it just won’t be easy…

    Reply
    • i just listened to an amazing audiobook called “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie and it is very helpful. I am using it with different things in my life. It’s really amazing. She has a website that also has forms you can use to help fill out. It’s really good.

      Reply
  4. Your not alone AMY !! Not at all. I don’t really feel like I look. I don’t know how to explain it. Deep down I feel like a thinner person. I have the energy of a thinner person I think, and even when looking in a mirror, I don’t see myself as big as I am or as big as I appear in photos. I hate having my picture taken. I swear I have to take about 10 pictures until I find 1 that I am somewhat satisfied with… HATE THAT !!!

    Reply
    • Thank you for being honest, too. It’s not easy. I just felt like I had to be. It’s not easy is it? I usually push the feelings away but when I saw those pix I was really faced with feelings I couldn’t push away. I really appreciate you and your honesty and your support. 🙂

      Reply
      • You bet !! There’s lots of us here that support you and we appreciate you and your honesty as well. Helps us know we are not alone in our journey, our feelings and our hang ups

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