I think most of us have a distorted view of how we look or we just don’t think about it at all. I tend to not think about it. It is a disturbing thought to me so I block it. That is until the day after my birthday. That is when reality hit me hard. It hit me right between the eyes and it hurt like hell. I know what my face looks like. I brush my teeth while looking in the mirror. But the rest of my body? To someone else? No. I didn’t know what that looked like. I really didn’t. You can sit there and say, “How could she not know?! She lives in that body!” Yes, I do. But I don’t sit and gaze at myself. My body is like a car. It is a mode of transportation to get the rest of me from Point A to Point B. I should take care of it better and I have been neglecting it. It is QUITE obvious. I saw those pictures and wanted to cry. My friends were like, “Let’s post them on Facebook!” and I refused. I couldn’t. There is no way. I just can’t. I sat there at home staring at those pictures and just felt my heart break. I knew things were bad, but I was hit with how bad in that very moment. I don’t know if anyone understands what I am saying. It’s hard to express. I vowed that things would get better. That there would be changes. I have done that before, too, though. I have prayed to God for help controlling this, to control me! I can’t stop writing here. I can’t stop watching what I eat. I can’t stop tracking it. I can’t. Because I don’t want to look like this. I don’t want to FEEL like this. I am so much better than the way I am forcing myself to live. Like those pictures, I sometimes just hide in shame. I shouldn’t live that way. In fact, that isn’t living. But that is what I have done to myself. Now I have to do something else to and for myself. Why am I saying all of this? Because I felt like I had to be open about it. How many others have felt this way and didn’t say it? I know I am not the only one. Surely to God I can’t be. So, yes, I have posted a lot of positive stuff here before. I know that. But here is the absolute truth about what I went through the other day. It’s my truth. I posted recently about how I need support. This is why. I didn’t tell anybody why because I was still processing it. I was still reeling from the shock of what I had seen. But I want so much more and better for my life.
I guess I needed to just be honest and lay it out there.