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July 24 2012

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I am so sick of being overweight/fat/obese. You can call it whatever you want. It is horrible. I feel uncomfortable physically and mentally. It has taken over my life in every way. I don’t like that feeling. In fact, I hate it. It hurts. I feel vulnerable and out of control. It’s more than just being fat. It’s being out of control. I am an emotional eater. That doesn’t sound so bad but it really is. When you’re depressed and feel hopeless, you eat to feel better. It only lasts for a little bit and then you need to do it again. And it snowballs. People look at me and have all these thoughts like “why doesn’t she just quit?” I wish I could! It’s a compulsion. It’s a hug from the inside out when there is no one there to hug me. It’s comfort when I hurt. It’s a wall I build up when I need to escape the world.

Then there are times I don’t want that wall there. But you can’t tear down a wall that size quickly. No. It’s a long, slow process. It hurts. And it’s frustrating. And you want to throw in the towel. You just don’t know what to do even though you probably do have all the knowledge. It’s overwhelming and painful.

So there’s my thoughts for today. I don’t like these feelings. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make my life as easy and simple as everyone else’s. It would be a whole lot easier.

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About Amy

Recently I came to an ugly realization–I am middle aged. I didn’t really think so but then I doubled my age and thought, “Hmmmm…some of people don’t live to that age. I must be middle age.” This epiphany came in the third quarter of my 39th year. So I am surviving middle age…it’s scary.

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