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Monthly Archives: July 2012

July 31, 2012

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Nothing like remembering you have a 12 hour shift ahead of you. Thankfully I remembered early enough to go ahead and get ready to get some sleep. So I am winding down now and waiting for the heavy eyes to kick in. But ya know what my thought was after I realized I had to work 12 hours tonight? “Oh shit! What am I going to eat?!” I hate that food is that big of a deal. I mean, yeah you need to eat, but it shouldn’t send you into a mini-panic attack. So I calmed myself and told myself that I could stop at the grocery store on the way to work and get some watermelon that has been chopped up already and some sandwich stuff or pre-made sandwiches. That would make sure that I had food. But for a moment I was a mess. I may get a bagged salad, too.

But this all made me realize I really need to plan better. My lack of planning seems to really screw me over a lot. And part of that is because I live 5 minutes from the grocery store. My philosophy seems to be that if I don’t have it, the grocery store is just 5 minutes away. But it is not always convenient to stop at the store. So this was a minor victory, I suppose. I had a lightbulb moment! I don’t consider myself to be a dumb person, but damn! I do some dumb things!

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Here is something I want to try soon

Battling The Bulge On A Budget

4 large green peppers

5/8 teaspoon salt, divided

1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper

1 1/2 cups cooked rice

1/2 15-ounce can black beans, drained and rinsed

1/2 11-ounce can Mexican-style corn, drained

1/2 medium onion, chopped

1/2 4-ounce can chopped green chiles

1/4 teaspoon liquid smoke

1/4 teaspoon ground cumin

1/4 cup shredded Monterey Jack cheese

1 ounce jalapeño peppers (optional)

Jalapeño pepper slices, for garnish

 

Cut a thin slice from stem end of each pepper; remove seeds and membranes; rinse. Cook peppers 5 minutes in enough boiling water to cover; drain. Season inside of peppers with 1 teaspoon salt and black pepper; set aside. Combine rice, beans, corn, onion, walnuts, chiles, liquid smoke, cumin and remaining 1/4 teaspoon salt. Spoon 1 cup rice mixture into each pepper; stand upright in 13 × 9-inch baking pan. Cover pan with foil; bake at 350 degrees 20 minutes. Remove cover…

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July 27, 2012

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I knew I shouldn’t do it. So why did I? I was at the grocery store and bought a small pack of cheese danish. Just a couple in the pack. Do you think I ate just one? HELL NO! This is why I can’t have stuff in the house. I’m a freaking addict. I know I can’t have this stuff so I usually don’t buy it, but when I do…I suppose the saying “Go big or go home” really is appropriate. Well, except for the fact that I was at home. Eating danish. I was tired. I was not THAT hungry. It just tasted soooo good. And I couldn’t resist. So I suppose I will not be buying stupid danish again. I just have no self-control when it comes to those things.

I really disappointed myself and pissed myself off. I mean, I know better than to do that. I just wanted something sweet. And once I got that bite, it’s like common sense left my head and all I could think about was those sweet sensations. I suppose the positive side is that I just bought a small pack.

Well I can’t change it now. I’ll just be better later!

July 26, 2012

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I have been so stressed. It seems like everything is causing me stress. I am not sleeping right. I am working third shift. I am not cooking. I stop and pick up something on the way to work at the grocery store such as sandwiches or just get junk at a fast food place. I know this isn’t good.

This is a goal for me: get some semblance of control of my life. I think the lack of control over every aspect spins me out of control. It’s frustrating and I just feel so overwhelmed. Then I don’t know which way to turn to get it under control. I have decided to TRY to start working on one aspect of life. I suppose that should be my house.

My house looks like an episode of Hoarders. Why? I am too tired and overwhelmed at times to deal with it. I got this way due to depression. I am working on getting over the depression. But the house is pretty depressing now. So I am gonna try to do a little daily until it is done. I want to look around and be inspired. I’m not inspired right now. So we gotta fix that!

I suppose I wish I just wanna wave a magic wand. I do wish I could do that over every aspect of my life. Wouldn’t that be great? Poof! Everything is fixed! Yeah, right. Everything takes time. I’m having to take control of life again. I am having to learn how to actually live again. I lost myself through the years. I forgot how to be me. I have to learn how to eat right. I have to learn a lot. It makes me sad. It seems like everyone else has their shit together and I am struggling. It is frustrating.

July 24 2012

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I am so sick of being overweight/fat/obese. You can call it whatever you want. It is horrible. I feel uncomfortable physically and mentally. It has taken over my life in every way. I don’t like that feeling. In fact, I hate it. It hurts. I feel vulnerable and out of control. It’s more than just being fat. It’s being out of control. I am an emotional eater. That doesn’t sound so bad but it really is. When you’re depressed and feel hopeless, you eat to feel better. It only lasts for a little bit and then you need to do it again. And it snowballs. People look at me and have all these thoughts like “why doesn’t she just quit?” I wish I could! It’s a compulsion. It’s a hug from the inside out when there is no one there to hug me. It’s comfort when I hurt. It’s a wall I build up when I need to escape the world.

Then there are times I don’t want that wall there. But you can’t tear down a wall that size quickly. No. It’s a long, slow process. It hurts. And it’s frustrating. And you want to throw in the towel. You just don’t know what to do even though you probably do have all the knowledge. It’s overwhelming and painful.

So there’s my thoughts for today. I don’t like these feelings. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make my life as easy and simple as everyone else’s. It would be a whole lot easier.